Category: Thoughts

Living in a fiction

I lost myself in a new world today. Filled with bursting, thrilling and french-kissing-sore-lips love. How you can feel it in every vein, a longing, a tickling sensation over your skin. When you close your eyes, it’s there, lost in your mind.

I was lost in my mind for five hours. And then reality struck with the harshness of an email. A stomach-turned-inside-out-pain kind of email. I don’t want it anymore. Please stop. It’s too much. I want to jump right back into my crazy love story.

A fiction I paste onto my own life. A fiction I dream about. A fiction I want to be my reality. I’ve so many times started and never finished to tell our love story. The whirlwind we were. The pain we felt. The craziness we throw at each other. The wanting, needing, the unstoppable sensation when you touched my skin. How I still feel your lips. How you changed my world. How we destroyed our lives with lies, drugs and deliberately caused pain.

How, after all this time, my heart skips a beat every time I lay my eyes on you.

I’ve tried to tell our story. I’ve failed every time. Perhaps one day. It’s a love story like no one else.

Habits

I read blogs, contemplate on life, postpone work I’ve to do. Time is 21.58. My neighbours smokes pot. Third joint this evening. I am happy. My life is, complete – sort of at least. Yes I want things, and adventures, and people, and mini mes in my life I don’t have at the moment. But to be fair, the things one miss is mostly made up of habits. The habit of a goodnight text, or walking up next to ones significant other, the habit of drinking beer with friends, the habit of playing games. And so on. All habits can be replaced.

I don’t know, I don’t really need bad habits in my life. But I love to care, and invest all my head, heart and soul into what I’ve in front of me – be that a person or a project. I want it all.

Bold

Bold. B O L D. I like that word, it tastes good in your mouth. It feels good in your stomach. Bold. Today I was called bold, a daredevil even. That felt really good. We need to be bold to conquer the world. We need to dare to see beyond the horizon.

I quit my job. I sold my flat. I bought a one way ticket.

And it’s the most terrifying thing I’ve ever done. I question my decision almost every day. But I do not question my boldness. I believe most people have a hard time understanding how challenging it can be, how challenging it is. To tear up ones roots, to head out into the unknown. It is a bold thing to do. It is not a very common thing to do. And yet, people do it every day.

My life is way better today than it was Monday. I’ve a room in a beautiful victorian house, massive dark wooden floor planks, white walls, high ceiling, five minutes to Victoria Park, two minutes to my best friend. For £750 – double of what I payed for my entire 45 square meter flat in Stockholm. I need to have an income, or my boldness will be in vain.

I do hope we can see boldness in more people. In those fleeing the Syrian war. In those standing up for their sexuality. In those standing up for humanity, those fighting for disabled people, poor people, for equality, for better condition at their work place. London is an amazing city, it has so much to offer and so much to experience. So much boldness, so many daredevils, so much diversity. But Britain as a nation, as a people? I can’t in my wildest of imaginations understand what they are afraid of. I’m paying £750 a month for a room, how can they even argue that anyone would come here for the benefits (which, if you are unemployed is £73 a week, that won’t find you roof over your head, not even a shared room). People come here for the possibilities, the opportunities, because they are bold. Not because of benefits. Please, be bold and accept love, leave your hate and pettiness because it does not belong in a great nation.

On a side note, I may read too many Facebook comments on news articles. People have terrible opinions. 

Struggle

I’ve been staring on this white page for 30 minutes now, unable to put my fingers to the keyboard. And when I do write anything, I rewrite it four times.

One of those mornings you really don’t want to remember. Waking up to the news of your new room is going to someone else. So once again you’re homeless. Great. I’m so tired of people who behave like shit. Break promises or start wars. Actually, I’m very tired if this world and the disgrace we are as humans. There’s so little room for people who are good and do good things. No, we just bomb some countries, close our borders to children in need, sell out our cities so no normal people can’t afford housing anymore. We are a corrupt world in the hands of big corporation who only cares about money. And it’s a fucking tragedy and disaster.

I did leave everything, and I made it really hard for me to go back too. And now, when people are terrible, I really wish I hadn’t made it so hard for me.

When the world is hard on us

And so it happened, again. Terror struck the world without remorse. I can’t even in my wildest fantasy comprehend why and how people can hate this much. Why they are willing to fill their lives with so much hate, with so much war. We’re all victims now. But we should be victims who stand together for a better world. A world filled with less hate and more love.

I was in London during the 7/7 attacks back in 2005. It may have been the most surreal day of my life, London is always this busy and vibrant city, full of life. Not that day. The sun were out and it was another hot London summer day. But one thing were completely different, it was as if someone had muted every sound of London. No cars, no laughter, no footsteps to the tube, no bird song, no nothing. To this sharp silence, add police sirens rushing down the the streets filling them with an echo of emptiness. I can only imagine the same terrifying doomsday silence hitting Paris.

When we, as humans, face life changing moments or events, especially events constructed to bring down our freedom, our love and our way of life, we need to stand strong. We need to be more, not less. I am convinced that only love and happiness can conquer hate and anger.

And therefore I am happy my Friday night and Saturday morning were spent with friends. From afterwork at the office to dinner and then on to a bar, a friends office and later on, an abandon office space in the suburbs with a grand finale at my place. Life should be spent loving. Loving and cherish the moments we are given. And this moment were exactly one of those we should keep forever, bring out and remember when life and the word is hard on us.

Kriget mot patriarkatet

Jag utövade precis en drabbning med patriarkatet.
Nej sa han,
jo sa jag.
Och så höll det på.
Nej sa han,
jo sa jag.

Det blev en strid ström av ord som växte sig starkare och flödade fortare. Mer övertygade, burdusa, våldsamma. Som att argumentera med en politiker från NSDAP och tyska trettiotalet. Helt skilda ting, och ändå så lika. Jag utövade precis en bagatell till batalj i jämförelse men någonstans är det samma hårdföra övertygelsen vi slåss mot.

Vi kan aldrig låta dem vinna.

Jag stångar mig blodig mot en orubblig köttmassa gödd i decennier av överflöd. Vår kamp är följden av generationers ignorans för någonstans på vägen gick någonting väldigt fel i vårt samhälle. Vi hamnade inte här över en natt, men nu är vi begravda i en sorgefest utan tillflyktsort.
Vi kan aldrig låta dem vinna. Oavsett hur söndertrasade vi blir när vi hör:

‘Jag gjorde det här långt innan du var född.’

Eller något av alla andra argument de bär med stolthet i rockärmen – som en guldstjärna på  inträdesprov till patriarkatet.

Du tar slut på argument och faller ihop till en liten hög. För det spelar inte längre någon roll hur många rätt du har. Hur många bevis du kan lägga fram på bordet. Med en obeveklig segergest klappar patriarkatet sig själv på axeln. Ännu en gång.
Men krig vinns inte på en dag.
Och det här kriget är lika utdraget som människans historia. Vi lever och vi dör i ett herravälde med döva öron. Oförmöget att lyssna och förstå med en avsaknad av acceptans.
Och det är vårt samhälle som förlorar mest på det.

Jag har precis haft en drabbning med patriarkatet, jag vann inte, men jag ger mig inte.
Tack gubbar för att det finns värdiga kriga att utkämpa.

Translation: I had an encounter with patriarchy yesterday. I didn’t win the battle, but it’s a war worth fighting. 

How to live life

You learn so much about yourself when in therapy. But you also starts to find other ways of living, to change the things that wern’t working out for you in the first place. I’ve read several blogs completely new to me, perhaps the one I like the most is: The Art of Non-Comfirmity. Read and let it sink in.

Now I’ve started to decorate the inside of my front door. Not decorating because it should look more nice, but so I will not forget what’s important in life. At the moment I’ve hung my book idea and some favourite quotes form the blog mentioned earlier. My favourite is:

You don’t have to live your life the way other expect you to.

dörr

If you think about it, and truly let it sink in, it can change your life. My door has other great questions to think about too, good ways to start my day.

Branded unbranded

My personal brand. The things we convey to the people who are stranger to us. And in the same time the people who are closest to us. Even though I’m in marketing I do not reflect so much on my image. My image just are. But I had a conversation with a friend about another friend and his social presence. It was quite clear what image he wanted to put out there. I believe that even if we have a lot of thoughts behind our social media behaviour, the core will (for most cases) always be about the things you want the most. The things you love.

And then I started to analyse myself a bit more. Not in a what-am-I-doing-kind of way and how to brand me further. But more, what-do-i-want. And I realised most of my Instagram pictures are of friends, food and parties. In one word, adventures. And London is also overrepresented in my feed. Screen Shot 2015-05-25 at 15.29.09

Perhaps the social brand image provided by us is the way we should live our life. So, Kim Kardashian’s selfie marathon reveal to us she should live with herself in expensive clothes. Others should put there kids before everything else. Me? My Instagram feed tells me I should move to London in the hunt of unforgettable adventures.