I bristen på ord

Ord snurrar runt i huvudet på mig utan att formas till meningar. Som en novembergrå dimma, ett täcke av ångest och meningslösa hångel i gathörn. Som en jakt på drama, på att känna ett endaste litet uns. Det uteblir, precis som riktningen på min vardag, mitt liv, mina val. Det är ett jävla famlande bara.

Jag sitter på min köksbänk, dricker whiskey ur ett glas som jag fyller på innan det är slut. Det hjälper inte heller. Varken mot november eller tomheten. Ensamheten. Intet och ångesten.

Jag köper tallrikar i en rad olika färger på rea och tänker ‘det borde gå att hitta glädje även i de där små grejerna’. Och trots november är det ändå lite roligare att äta frukost dagen därpå.

De säger att det blir bättre. Och det är ju sant, men jag kommer alltid undra vad det var som blev fel.

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Liveleva & liveragga

Jag är en öppen bok och pratar samtidigt som jag tänker. Oftast blir det väldigt bra.

Så gick min Tinder-bio och jag var ganska nöjd med den. Men vad gör det när det ändå enbart är fruktlösa konversationer om banala samtalsämnen. Tre veckor av ‘Vad gör du idag?’ blandat med ‘Jag bor här och jobbar med det där’. Och sen ingenting. Tomhet. Jag skrev fel sak och hon tog bort mig. En digital värld som vävs samman med verkligheten men saknar empatin av att se en person i ögonen. En ny sorts livsstil där det inte gör så himla mycket. Där varje möte är lite flyktigare än det förra. Där vi tillsammans springer ett hetsigt lopp utan reflektion, där vi strävar efter det nästa. Det som kanske är bättre för det är bara ett swipe away.

Så nu pausar jag lite. Går av det digitala dejtinghjulet och raderar hela Tinder (och alla andra dejtingappar). Liveragga är nyordet för 2018. Som de gjorde förr i tiden, ger mir ut i det okända vimlet. Jag passade även på att ta bort Facebook från telefonen, det kallas liveleva och är också ett nyord för 2018. I alla fall om jag får bestämma.

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Living in a fiction

I lost myself in a new world today. Filled with bursting, thrilling and french-kissing-sore-lips love. How you can feel it in every vein, a longing, a tickling sensation over your skin. When you close your eyes, it’s there, lost in your mind.

I was lost in my mind for five hours. And then reality struck with the harshness of an email. A stomach-turned-inside-out-pain kind of email. I don’t want it anymore. Please stop. It’s too much. I want to jump right back into my crazy love story.

A fiction I paste onto my own life. A fiction I dream about. A fiction I want to be my reality. I’ve so many times started and never finished to tell our love story. The whirlwind we were. The pain we felt. The craziness we throw at each other. The wanting, needing, the unstoppable sensation when you touched my skin. How I still feel your lips. How you changed my world. How we destroyed our lives with lies, drugs and deliberately caused pain.

How, after all this time, my heart skips a beat every time I lay my eyes on you.

I’ve tried to tell our story. I’ve failed every time. Perhaps one day. It’s a love story like no one else.

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I read blogs, contemplate on life, postpone work I’ve to do. Time is 21.58. My neighbours smokes pot. Third joint this evening. I am happy. My life is, complete – sort of at least. Yes I want things, and adventures, and people, and mini mes in my life I don’t have at the moment. But to be fair, the things one miss is mostly made up of habits. The habit of a goodnight text, or walking up next to ones significant other, the habit of drinking beer with friends, the habit of playing games. And so on. All habits can be replaced.

I don’t know, I don’t really need bad habits in my life. But I love to care, and invest all my head, heart and soul into what I’ve in front of me – be that a person or a project. I want it all.

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I’ve not bee here for ages. Life took a turn and I ended up right were I started. Sort of. I’m back in Stockholm. Back home, like it was yesterday. New place, new job, old streets, better life. I’ve an appetite for life I’ve longed for. Please, don’t kill my vibe.

Be right back – got to do some work.

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A weekend celebrating spring and life

A barley took any pictures from my visit to Stockholm and the archipelago. I had no time, too much fun. And too much fun sums pretty much up my life these last few weeks.

It all started on the last Friday of april, the 29th of april. We met up at Strongroom, this pub with a great outdoors space, or more of a yard actually. All my best people dropped in one after one, we talked about the week that’s gone by – as you do on Fridays. After a couple of beers we headed over to another pub to say hi to a friend and his visiting family. It was literally across the street. We moved on to Translate for some groovy dance moves and drinks. They usually play great music, but not this night. So I jumped into an Über and endued up at NT’s opening night. Like all the cool kids. I danced, met a girl on the terrace. We talked till the first rays of the sun warmed our faces. Then I walked home, met my flat mate in the kitchen and we went trough her relationship. More often than not I start to really like being single.

On Saturday, the last day of April, I met up with Adam, Elin and Amalia down on Broadway Market. We had rosé wine in the sun. You know, the first really warm spring sun and how happy it makes you?! Yes, this was exactly that day. When the sun moved so did we, over to NT’s. Again. With champagne in our hands we met new friends, had truffle chips and danced to in the afternoon sun. At NT’s they have these really big industrial windows, a perfect location for a music video. If there ever was one we would surely make the main event of said music video. There was so much pure joy in the air, as it is when you celebrate spring and life. In the evening we made our ways home to The Village, had a pizza and then crashed in bed before 10pm. Daytime parties are the only parties worth having (it’s not really true, but to 55%).


On Sunday, the first day of May and a bank holiday Sunday, we continued the festivities!

Pizza in the park (I was not in my finest condition) and then over to N360 and the rooftop of my dreams. After some cocktail popsicles we were all back on track again. Random friends dropped by and are small group grew into an eleven people squad, which I later on presented to the doorman at NT’s as “me and my squad”. Obviously. We made our ways up the stairs and out onto the terrace. Having the banter of our lives.


In the evening almost all of us walked the short distance (it’s ten minutes) to The Village and The Lauriston for some crazy karaoke rumble. It basically works like this: 1, pick a song. 2, go up on a stage. 3, hope you choose a crowdpleaser and the crowd does not boo you off the stage. I did not sing. I booed, and occasionally cheered. And had another beer. As you do. After we left, we made pasta in Adam’s kitchen and I was in bed before midnight. Daytime parties.

Next thing that happened: I fly off to Sweden for an unexpected archipelago treat. But it’s another story.

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Sunday Funday

At the moment I’m chilling in my bed, just have watched the latest episode of Game of Thrones, my window is open and it’s so hot, steamy and summery. I’m listening to Veronica Maggio’s latest album, which I really like.

Yesterday, Sunday, we had park chill all day. Brunch at the Pavilion in Victoria Park and then met up with some friends for just listen to music, having a beer in the sun, taking a nap. Those lazy days. In the late afternoon there was another park and another group of people. So I made my way to Hackney Downs Park instead, to meet up with Simone and Hanna.

Simone and Hanna !

We shared some strawberries, dreams and warm wine in the sun. A day you don’t want to end, so we gathered a group of friends for a Sunday BBQ party, how great are Sundays?!

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We drank sangria that never ended, made new friends and fell in love with old ones. When the food was ready I was so hungry it literally was a hole in my tummy. As you do with BBQ’s, we put everything on the fire. So tasty!


Later on, when the night continued and we danced around the table, new friends arrived and the sun slowly went away to comeback for the next day. However, we are young and have fire in our hearts so there were time for new adventures. SundayFunday080516_11

London was still and quiet when the club closed, but we were happy, been dancing to some old tunes everyone sang along to. With no jacket on I walked home trough a Hackney on the verge of summer. SundayFunday080516_12


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The one day trip…

I will tell you all about ‘the best bank holiday ever’ soon, but first: I’m still in Stockholm, my one day trip to Sweden turned into a party and, easily convinced as I am, I stayed. And now I spend my day walking the streets I know, and bumping into the people I know.

Everything is sort of splendid and very beautiful, Stockholm – the air is clean(er) and the sea is so, so present, and everyone is so damn fucking pretty! I seriously believe swedes, in general, are the pretties people in the word. Now I need to buy a t-shirt because what I’m wearing, a formal shirt, is not really my thing for three days in a row.

IMG_1610I love London like crazy, it is the best place in the world. But, Stockholm feels more like, home.

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A well kept secret

Somedays I go to the Deli two streets away, the play classic music or some very sweet soft jazz all day. And for moments, this smal place gets totally overcrowded in seconds, like it’s the only place to be, and then as if someone waved a wand it’s super quiet again. The staff are joking around and are ever so friendly. deli_1

If I don’t pay straight away I always forget it and have to go back. Two out of two times its happened. Once I didn’t notice I skipped pay my breakfast until I went back in the afternoon for a flat white – they do great coffee, great coffee. The other time I started to walk back home to pick up my headphones and I was ‘shit, I did it again…’. Now I’ve spent the better part of my day here, trying to find a proper job, making up my mind about the future and procrastinating, drinking lemonade and becoming one of the hipsters of the area. I have my hat on!

This is a very interesting little village in the east corner of London. Not really the corner, it’s still only in zone two, but it’s a well kept secret, as if very few people knows about its existing. There’s only locals at all the places around. And all the places are great, the deli, the sourdough pizza pub, the fancy pub, the vietnamese restaurant, the café and all the others, they are great. Good food, nice and friendly staff, interesting locals, and better friends. No, I’ve to continue on my to do-list.


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Beyond The Wall

This country, the lands of the Queen, is more or less an episode beyond The Wall of Westeros. I HAVE NEVER BEEN THIS COLD IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. NEVER. Not even the day in the Swedish Fjäll when it was -30 (probably mostly because we stayed in…). But it’s so cold here, I barely can’t take it anymore. I freeze when I go to bed and I freeze when I wake up. Its warmer outdoors than indoors. Someone has totally not understand the purpose of houses.


And I can go on and on and on about all the things I’m equally unhappy with. But let’s not. Because I can’t take one more day with ridiculous politics; brexiters or remainers. Stupid PMQs more fitting a reality show than the most powerful room in all of the Queen’s land. And please, don’t let me get started on flat sharing. This abomination of adult living. I miss my home. But let’s not talk about all of that. There are greater things ahead, I hope. Warmer at least. Summer should be coming.

I want to talk about daytime parties, warm evening winds that softly plays with the tree branches. Music. I love music, can always talk about music.

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